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What I can do for me...

Most days I find myself working hard at school or taking care of my kids or the residents where I work. Cleaning the litter box, making dinner, checking homework, or getting baths ready. On the nights they are with their mom, I am painting the house or working on some projects to make our home somewhere a little more cozy. Somewhere the boys and I can look back on and smile, not just any smile. One with warmth and fondness.

I was driving into work today and I was looking at my life and where I am at with everything. What my vision is, and am I truly ready to invest in my own dreams? Am I being willful, and if not, in what areas of my life do I really need to start applying that? When was the last time I dug deep in my toolbox and pulled out something covered in dust? The answer is not very often; you see, lately in the midst of all the chaos, I have managed to grow and use my tools. Now, don't get me wrong, I still have so much shit that goes wrong. There are days when not picking up a drink is my biggest accomplishment, and I have to be okay with that. I am finding my identity and what I need as an individual. What can I do for myself? What can I do to set myself up to have the best chances to succeed? I am not talking about eating or taking my ass to the gym. Not this time. I mean what can I do to really give myself whatever it is I need.

I am healing from a lot of things that changed and rocked my life to the core. I have learned so much and have started unlearning more. In the midst of me feeling like I was spinning my tires, I was actually sowing some seeds. Crazy on those days that I was on the floor trying to find the will or a reason to keep going, I was actually growing. I didn't see most of it at the time; it takes days, weeks, shit, even years sometimes for the lesson to be clear. We just have to get tired enough.

My whole life I have been fishing for bluegill with a musky pole when I should have been fishing for Marlin. I have always been too big for the rooms I spent time in. I have always felt out of place with most groups and I always felt like there was more. Yet I continued to set the bar too low: I didn't stop looking for what I needed in all the wrong kinds of people. The wrong kinds of places. When your worth starts to evolve and your values and direction start to become clear, look around at what is out of place. If it's you then get your ass over where you belong. Why the hell did you work so hard to rebuild if you're going to be the one that rolls in your own Trojan horse. The saying "get in where you fit in" is what I am talking about. I am not talking about fitting in: I am talking about taking your rightful place at the table you built with the kind of people who are building alongside you. There is a reason we buy newer cars, bigger homes, and new shoes, hell, even our toothbrush needs to be changed every couple of months. When our needs change or things no longer bring to the table what is acceptable, it's time for a change. So why the hell do we continue to seek out the same destructive people? Change how you look at yourself and you will change who you surround yourself with. The rebuild can be lonely; however, the minute it stops being lonely and it's just you. You will hopefully realize that it's because you finally know who you are. Not so bad after all, I guess there were some people in my life that saw what I couldn't. For that, I will forever be grateful!!!!

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