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Two Years Ago

December 13th 2020, is a day that has forever changed my life. It was two years ago today that my sister lost her battle with addiction. I know you have heard me talk about it before, however, I am going to give her this day. This day will forever be the day that I share her story. My sister lived and died tragically!

Depending on who you are talking with you will hear a different part of who she was. My sister's name is Gwen, I always called her Wendy or Windy just to piss her off. She was a daughter, a sister, a mom, a friend, and a drug addict. To be honest I don't think she had a clue who she was. Her identity was stolen from her when she was very young. She was left scarred and in pain and searching for some sort of relief. That's what happens when someone reaches inside you and rips away everything you have ever known (your innocence). My Grandfather was nice enough to help my sister out with that. I watched him do it, she was 10 years old. My father was just murdered and my mom was trying to escape an abusive marriage. My mom took me out of Old Orchard hospital, packed me and my sister up in the Vega station wagon, and off we went. We were Pennsylvania-bound, it was supposed to be a new beginning, but that would not be the case. See most people who knew my sister had their own opinion of her and they were probably all right at some point. Most people only saw her behavior and how she lived. Nobody ever stopped to ask why!

I guess I will never understand what it must've felt like to be one of her children and wonder why they were never enough. Or why she never fought for them, I feel as if I am always trying to defend her. The truth is, she was never really good at being good. I can't tell you who she might've become had these things not happened. However, they did and people suffered because of it. I don't feel the need anymore to defend who she was, because I can't because she was all of those things. She was still my sister and I loved her, I knew who she was and I also know who she longed to be. The world got in her way, then she did, and if you knew her, you knew how stubborn she was. She never got out of her own way, and now she's dead. There is a recurring theme in my message, no matter what life has done to us, we are our biggest victimizers. She was that and there wasn't anything I could ever do to change that. We have to treat people how to treat us by setting an example. We treat ourselves like shit, so what do we expect from the rest of the world? One thing my sister never understood was her own worth, she never saw anything through because she never thought she could, or maybe she didn't want to. Or maybe she didn't want to change pain, misery, and self-loathing--these are all really comfortable places for some of us to dwell.

The fact of that matter is my sister killed herself; she didn't directly die from suicide. Yet she put a substance in her body knowing that it could kill her, and it did! The difference between living and dying is about the choices we make in life. What is your mindset gonna be? Continue to wallow in the misery that has taken the lives of millions or do something about it? You see, my sister died years ago, she just refused to lie down--until she was laid down! I will miss her for the rest of my life, she is my sister and always will be. She just never did the work.

May you find the peace in death that eluded you in life!!

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Dec 28, 2022

I agree that what holds a lot of us back, especially those with an addiction, is a fear of the unknown. The what ifs, the how, the whys. Self love has to be present in order for us to see our worth. From my own experience, I can’t remember a single time in my 43 years that I have truly loved and accepted myself. Sometimes it seems like it would be easier to be numb. How long does that feeling last though? How long is it before being numb is no longer enough? I applaud you for not going down the same path and taking the steps to improve yourself, your future and the future of your kids.

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