The one thing I will say about this journey of self-discovery is "HOLY FUCK"! Every step of the way, I had a plan a, b, c, d, e, and so on. Well, that was a complete waste of time. My life and its trajectory today are not at all what I had planned. I have an amazing job where I get to do amazing things. My kids are naughty as fuck; however, they are loving, good-hearted, happy little boys. My oldest was in a motorcycle accident and came out okay for the most part. My son Tristin and I are talking for the first time in years. I got engaged to the most amazing woman. I mean, I can go on and on about the blessings of my life, and yet I was miserable!
I know, crazy right? I couldn't figure out why I couldn't string together days of true happiness. My soul felt like it was in anguish; I once again why people said fuck it and gave up. Again, I have to thank my children for saving my life. YOU GENUINELY HAVE NO IDEA when I say these boys are my heroes. If not for them, I would be dead, drunk, or in jail. No matter what, I have to come through for them. I cannot fold or give in to whatever demons may be surfacing. I am their daddy, and to be that, to truly be that, I have to be here without a drink in my hand and a mouth full of broken promises. So once again, in the midst of my darkness, you boys were my guiding light.
The thing about being on this journey, I have committed to my self-awareness. To do that, I must be honest, open-minded, and willing to admit some shit about myself and change it. Sometimes it's pretty obvious, and other times it takes real work and persistence. I was talking to my therapist yesterday, and this was our first meeting, and this woman changed everything for me. She asked me first how I was balancing all of my load and, secondly, why I was doing it. To both questions, my answers were the same. "I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA" I honestly had no idea why I was killing myself to obtain a goal that I really didn't even want. Not only did I not want it, I was miserable because of it.
I have talked before about becoming what I thought the world wanted me to be. Well, this time, it wasn't about survival; it was about what I thought success looked like. I had to be this person or do this thing; otherwise, who would take me seriously. While returning to doing what I love, I realized this was a conditioned behavior. I have been conditioned to believe I will never be enough! Even now, five years into this journey, I hadn't taken a moment to see what I had. I was listening to this motivational speaker on the way to work yesterday. He kept talking about how he was the best in the world and how great he was. He spoke about being able to see your goal and let nothing stop you. I turned it off, realizing that everything he said sounded gross to me. I have been killing myself for a goal I couldn't even see. I put my passion on the back burner, and I was missing the magic that I already created. I am so very successful beyond my wildest imagination.
I don't know where this road leads, but I have direction and a general plan of what I think our basic needs should look like. Other than that, I am following my heart moving forward. To thy own self be true. I thought I was; however, the whole time, I was so focused on what I thought success looked like I forgot to live. Once again standing directly in my own damn way, yet again. I am 49 years old and have spent 33 years in active addiction. I have been in recovery since June 25th, 2018, that's 5 years this month. Before all of that, I was only a small kid. I don't have much experience with everyday life, not in the sense of most people. I am still so green with being an adult and especially a father that I make many mistakes. Yet, I am killing it.
I am enough; if I am being honest, I am so much more than I will ever understand. Someone asked me how I had been through hell, and came out as the moral person sitting before her. I looked at her, and without thinking, I said, "Because I don't want to hurt anyone else!" I never did in the first place, and I did. I hurt many people in my life and some I can do nothing about. Other things I have been able to make right. That will have to be enough for now. Don't get me wrong, I have a lifetime of living amends to make. I understand that I will forever owe a debt. So in the meantime, I will continue to learn what being true to myself looks like. I will enjoy doing a job that makes a difference, and most importantly thy own self, I will stay true.