In the short time I have been writing this blog, I have been asked the same question on more than one occasion. "Aren't you worried about what people might think?" Then they usually follow up with how brave I am or some similar sentiment. This gives me the opportunity to pause for a second and answer this. Worried? Not a bit!!! This is a journey of healing; healing doesn't happen for me unless I am completely vulnerable. I cringe just typing that word; it instantly gives me an image in my head that this is a bad thing. That I am that vulnerable little child at the world's disposal. However, I am no longer that little boy riddled with fear, so why should I behave as such? The answer is simple: I have spent most of my life conforming to the image I thought the world created! You see, this is how I lost myself. I watch my children play, and I am envious of how innocent they are. The only approval they seek is that of their family; even then, they are still carefree. Unpolluted by life experiences, they are not yet aware of the ugliness surrounding them. Nor the beauty!
The term pause for a second, if I look at the situations in my life, more times than not, it's when I don't take that pause I end up in some shit. Every relationship was the same; every decision was made in the moment. I never could wrap my head around the fact that things always ended the exact same way. The only differences would come in the form of the name that I started the letter with, maybe a different prison, but that was it. Standing smack in the middle of all that mess, there was a common denominator, and it was me.
That was one of those moments in my life that changed everything. Now depending on who you ask, this could be many things: I like to look at it as a spiritual awakening. At this moment, I am able to step outside myself and be brutally honest. I'm not talking about the type of honesty it takes to get through your daily life. I am talking about that shit that will have you balled up on the kitchen floor, crying like a baby. You see, this has been my very recent reality, 4 years into this journey, and I have barely scratched the surface. If I didn't pause for a second, if I didn't finally open my eyes, I would have lost it all. I have never cried so deeply and so meaningfully in my entire existence. I released that shit because it was killing me, and the worst part was I was oblivious. I didn't have a fuckin' clue! It's like walking into the doctor's office and finding out that you're sick when you were only there for a check-up. Just because you don't realize you're sick doesn't mean you're not spreading that sickness. It doesn't mean that it hasn't spread to every other aspect of who you are! It doesn't have to be this way; at any time, you can say that's enough.
Take a moment, pause for a second and get fuckin' honest. Believe me, if every situation in your life keeps ending the same way, it's not everyone else. I know, it sucks to admit that we are assholes; however, now that you know who the problem is, what are you gonna do about it?