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It's not at all what I expected...

God damn, yesterday was a monumental cluster fuck, I still don't know what happened. I know you are probably wanting me to elaborate however, this isn't about what happened. It's about what happens next. Every time you feel restless or that the everyday routine is getting too daunting, it's time to grow. Getting sober, changing my life had this glorious ring to it. Well let me be the one to say, it's not at all what I expected.

There are some days where I struggle to find a smile that's mine. It doesn't matter what is going on in my life where I am at, the scars remain. Being trauma ridden makes it difficult to maintain a steady flow of content. I have to work so hard to keep myself from losing it. I look around at an eroding society, one where humanity is all but lost. The good people are overshadowed by the ugliness in a world we had nothing to do with creating. It's election time and the division is only going to continue to get worse. We are on the brink of world war three. Homelessness, suicide, fentanyl overdoses, road rage, sex trafficking, I can go on and on however, I think you get the point.

My family is the most important thing in the world to me, my children and those chosen few that will always be a huge part of who I am and what I do. My motives have to be in check because it's not just me. My triggers all my survival instincts, I must be aware of them at all times. I have to live in this nightmare and try to raise two good men. I get up and go to work everyday to make someone else rich. I have to deal with entitled d bags on the road and expected to show up with a smile. Like it's a privilege to play society's game. How does one stay within the lines of integrity when I am surrounded by ugliness?

Acceptance! I have to accept the part that I cannot control and double down on those that I can. This society is only able to exist because of the good people that hold it up. Being a good person doesn't mean you don't make bad choices. It means that after you make those bad choices, you do whatever it takes to not do it again. You ownit and learn from it. I know that I have come out of the darkness and into the light. That light is sometimes created from within. not finished I lost the last one don't want it to happen again.

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