For those of you that have read everything that I have posted, you understand that I have been on a journey of self-discovery. I have lost so many people along the way. People I was close to, people that were a part of my everyday life, and my sister. People I haven't seen in years, yet I still felt it when they passed. The dynamics of most of the relationships that are in my life are forever evolving. People come and go, and that's okay. One day I, too, will be gone, moving on to whatever is next for me.
There is a time and a place for everything. Here's a perfect example: a tablet I needed for work was missing from my office but was later found. I asked the lady in HR if I could put a note on it. When I told her my idea for the substance of said note, her response was what I expected. "Absolutely not!!" Now she knew I was half kidding. However, it wasn't the time or the place because I was at work. The words I had in mind for that moment were not workplace appropriate. This is one example of a time and a place for everything.
What I want to talk about is a much greater meaning to this. The only time that I absolutely have is the now. So now is the fucking time to go after it; what are we waiting for? Life is super-short, and I don't know about you, but I am getting older. I will be 49 in April: now I am by no means over the hill. I am realistic about where I am in life. I am done waiting for anything. What do I mean by that? Well, it's simple: if I want it and it is healthy for the life that I am trying to build, I am going for it. I will waste not another second being afraid of the what-ifs. Life circumstances and people have beaten me down for most of my existence. I have survived and overcome everything that has come my way. There are definitely moments that I am not proud of, and there are things that I can never take back. I did what I had to do at the time. I could only meet myself where I was at that moment. So, why am I not doing that in all aspects of my life today? Because I was afraid of myself!!! My self-doubt, the "I am not good enough" crept in. I didn't give myself the credit I deserved. I continued to treat myself like everyone else. Waiting for me to fuck it all up. Well, I did, I fucked up every bad thing that was in my life and sent it packing. That by no means changes the battle plan, I still have to remain diligent and power through. It's TIME, it truly is time to live and be happy. I very recently found myself in a dark place. I was the loneliest I had ever been before in my entire life. The kids were at their mom's, and I needed a hug I couldn't get. So I lay there and cried, in the dark by myself. This was yesterday! I was lonely because I hadn't fully committed to either version of myself. I am so far away from the person I was, yet I haven't truly claimed the life I have been working for. I have been on the sidelines and wondering why I felt lost.
When the day comes for me to look back on my life and all that I have been through, I will have enough regret. I will no longer add to it!! This is me: I am loud, I will tell dad jokes, and you will probably get tired of hearing about my kids. I love with a fierceness that is unmatched by most. My passion runs high, and I have fire in my heart. I have been told by people around me that I deserve the world. Well, I don't want the world; I just want to leave behind more than I ever took from this place. It's time: go claim your place, you fucking earned it!!!!